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And now, Adam and Joe.
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Can you imagine how little money they would have raised for famine relief if that had been released?
It would go into negative charity equity.
It would actually have made the problem much worse.
It would end up with the starving Africans actually having to give their own money to stop it.
Yeah.
That was a special version of Do They Know It's Christmas, sung Adam and Joe style.
Welcome listeners to our very special Boxing Day based podcast.
Boxing Day podcast!
I can't believe the year's gone so fast!
Boxing Day podcast!
Who's that?
Shane McGowan.
Oh, of course.
He said he asked to be invited.
So how are you going to be listening to this podcast?
Well, you know, you have a very established podcast listening ritual that's been captured on film that all the listeners are able to see on the Adam and Jo blog.
Shed-based.
I don't have a similar sort of ritual.
In fact, I tend to listen to listen again when I get home after the show.
Do you really?
And then when the podcast comes in, I tend to just listen to the intro and outro.
Wow, totally different.
I've never listened again.
Really?
Because that would be too much.
Do you think?
Well, you can skip through the records.
The iPlayer is a beautiful piece of programming.
It's very versatile.
It's getting better, you know.
Oh, yeah.
And you can skip through to your favourite bits, you know.
And then I like to assess the choices, James, the producer has made in a spreadsheet that I've been working on for the last four years.
It's very statistically precise.
It has a column where I score your choices out of 10.
And at the end of our whole run here at the station, I'm going to give you that statistical breakdown because it might help you improve your choices in your career.
That's all complete twaddle.
Of course I don't do that.
Of course he does.
Now, listeners, this is our Christmas show, as we've mentioned, our Boxing Day show, but it's kind of a tradition with myself and Joe to come into the studio, have a few glasses of some vaguely alcoholic beverage, and do this show as a pre-record, and then it goes out in the morning.
And we're sort of assuming that our listeners are okay with that.
Do you ever listen to the show as it goes out?
Live?
Well, that's tough, isn't it?
Well, I'm in the room when it goes out live.
Oh, I see, if a pre-recorded one goes out.
I've been in the car, yeah, of driving along and heard one of our pre-recorded shows.
Quite weird, I would think, to listen to us.
I was great.
Were you?
And we've done it more or less the same way for years and years and years.
We play pretty much the same music in the background.
We end up talking about pretty much the same things.
Actually, this year we played different music.
And it's comforting.
People like that at Christmas.
You like to see the same things at Christmas.
This is what I'm saying.
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
Is that what you were building up to?
Have I pre-empted you?
No, that's fine.
You've just glistened my cake.
That's the wrong way of describing what I wanted to say.
That's a disgusting way of saying it.
I don't know.
It felt like Christmas.
It's the icing on the cake rather than you've glistened my cake.
You've iced my cake.
He's an ice man.
He's a very nice man.
So listen, let's get on with the podcast.
Why not?
Because there's a lot to get through.
A lot of presents, a lot of rubbish, a lot of waffles, a lot of delicious logs.
Like a big Christmas lunch that'll make you feel sick.
Happy Christmas from the big British castle.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
That's Santa Claus.
He is listening to his favourite podcast in his sleigh.
And of course it is the one by Chris Moyles.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Anybody behind the castle gates?
Excuse me!
What do you want?
I'd like to come in for Adam and Jo's Christmas hut.
Every year they do a special show from inside their Christmas hut by the walls of the castle.
Wait a second, are you young Billy Barnacles?
Yes, I am Billy Barnacles.
I knew your dad, Bobby Barnacles.
He was a git!
Now go away!
But please, I wish to come into the castle to enjoy the fiddles and warm fire of Adam and Jo's Christmas hut, please!
Leave fiddles and warm, you say?
Very well, I shall raise the portcullis for you, but just this once as it's Christmas stroke boxing day.
Oh no, I've changed my mind, I don't want to come in.
Well be off with you and stop wasting my time, you little pods!
Alright, bye bye.
Hey, how you doing, listeners?
That was a little pre-show panto for you there.
There'll be more of that kind of thing later on in the show, but it's our special Boxing Day show.
We've just arrived here in the studio.
This is Adam.
This is Joe.
That was to set the scene.
The big British castle, all covered in snow.
All the hills around, all covered in snow.
All the villagers and the horses and the dogs and cats and ponies.
All covered in snow.
And the little hut, which sits outside the castle walls.
We've actually dug a little Great Escape-style hole under the castle walls.
Because the foundations aren't very deep.
Shoddy cowboy building.
Yeah.
It was built by George Lamb.
The hut, was it?
The hut, yeah.
When he was a builder.
George Lamb, the hut.
Yeah.
That's his actual full name.
Llamo the Hut.
Yeah, Llamo the Hut.
It was built by George Lamb.
Steve Llamac lives in the eaves of the hut.
Yes, he's protected by various, you know, laws to protect rarest bat species.
Yeah, and he was found living on the site when George Lamb came to erect the hut.
So they weren't allowed to move Llamo because he's protected as Joe pointed out.
So he's up there somewhere in the rafters.
But listen,
And it's cold in this little hut, boy.
Have you ever mentioned Liz Kershaw?
Liz Kershaw?
She's underneath the hut.
What do you mean?
There's a little, um, there's like a bunker.
Right.
She's down there in the bunker.
Right.
I don't know what she gets up to down there.
What is she getting up to down there?
I think she's mixing herself a little cocktail and reading the music papers.
And smoking a fag!
Not that she does.
That's terrible.
No, exactly.
So, yeah, boy, it's freezing in here.
We need a fire.
Are you going to stoke the big metal... I'll light up the fire.
Thing?
Yeah.
I've... There we go.
Pop some logs in there.
What are you using for logs there?
Logs.
Actually, they're reconstituted, environmentally friendly logs.
Ah, Yule logs.
They are, yeah.
They're made of... They're made of actually dead humans.
And then, what kind of book are you burning?
You're burning a book there.
I'm burning Fahrenheit... 9-11?
No, the other one.
451?
The Ray Bradbury, yeah.
That's ironical, isn't it?
Well, that's why I'm burning it.
Yeah, that's a switcheroo on Bradbury.
And you know what I'm also going to do?
I'm going to pop a DVD of François Truffaut's big screen version of that book on as well.
Hey, how about Burn After Reading as well?
Put that in there.
yeah i'm gonna put that in there yeah yeah how about burn hollywood burn wow directed by alan smithy this is such a pop cultural meta bonfire stick it all on the bonfire hey that's nice i'm getting toasty you want a bit of music that would be lovely i thought this year
We would listen to the Booker T and the MGs Christmas album, which we have listened to for the last Christmas.
What, in the background, or are we going to actually listen to every track?
We're going to listen... No, no, in the background.
Yeah, we'll carry on talking over the top of it.
Oh, that would be nice.
Yeah.
Let's see, we're going to kick off with Jingle Bells here.
You know, when I bought this album, I thought, this has got to be... Like, I love Booker T and the MGs, right?
Obviously, who doesn't?
So a Christmas album from the Memphis group, that's got to be the best thing ever.
No, it's not really.
But it does the job for Boxing Day.
So listeners, happy Boxing Day.
We hope you've had a fantastic Christmas Day.
And we hope you're full of all sorts of festive warmth.
You know, Boxing Day has a very particular atmosphere, doesn't it?
It's sort of the calm after the storm.
You've got a very full tummy.
You should hopefully be placated in terms of greed.
You shouldn't feel you need any more material goods.
And you should be purely kind of wallowing in love.
Do you know what I mean?
Like a shallow dish of love.
I used to find it a very depressing day.
Did you?
Yeah, because the gifts... Like in our house, we would have Christmas Eve presents.
We would have Christmas Eve Eve presents sometimes.
I wouldn't say present, like very small little stocking full of gifts, right?
But as a tease, as a build-up to the big present-giving bonanza on the Christmas day.
I can't help feeling it's a bit of a curse for your family.
Why?
Well, you're very, you love a big sort of, you love lots of presents at Christmas, don't you?
Sure.
And you've carried that over to your own family now, haven't you?
Well, I'm trying to reign it in because I've realised that it's unusual.
Are you?
Well, that's good, that's good.
I don't want to go mental.
Well, that's the point I was going to make, that you might go mental, but it sounds as if you're on top of that already.
More or less.
I think it's good to give your kids paperclips.
Do you?
Sand.
Yeah, you wait till you have children, see how that goes down.
Some mud.
Well, do you have to start that way?
Laser mud, maybe.
Remote control sand, fine.
But otherwise...
Where's the bells for the jingles?
Who nicked the jingle bells?
Hello listeners, you're listening to Adam and Jo's special Christmas show on Boxing Day 2009.
It's lovely to have you along.
We're broadcasting from our little wooden hut just outside the walls of the big British castle.
We've got a lovely log fire and a bit of music playing.
Adam's popping open a bottle of rosé.
Right, I'm going to pop this.
I'm going to slam this one into the ceiling of the hut.
It's not fizzy though, mate, is it?
Yeah, it is.
Well, not if it's rosé.
Sparkling rosé.
Here we go.
I'm going to smash this into the ceiling and I'm going to try and see if I can not calamo off his perch up there.
What is happening?
Sorry, I'm screaming.
Here we go, here we go.
Oh!
I'm going to drink your blood!
I got him.
He's gone back to sleep again now.
Right, let's see if this is any better.
So, is it present-giving time?
It's present-giving time.
We were saying earlier that, of course, the present-giving is over for most of the country, but here at the castle in our little hut, Adam and I have yet to give each other our Christmas presents, and every year we decide, what is it, three presents each?
Three presents each.
Yeah.
So every half an hour a present will be going either one way or another.
And I'm very excited about your presents that you've got for me.
Are you?
Well, did you genuinely like any of the ones I got you last year?
Can you remember any?
I remember the old copies of Smash Hits.
That's quite good, wasn't it?
That was a good one.
That's the only one I remember.
It wasn't Smash Hits though, it was... It was Sky Magazine.
Sky Magazine.
Yeah, that one I remember.
The others I've blanked.
Sure.
That's a terrifying question, to be honest.
Who's going to start?
Are you going to start, or am I going to start?
No, I think you should give me one.
All right, then.
I'm going to give you my worst one.
OK, start at the bottom.
Yeah, start at the bottom, work our way up.
So, listeners, this is a little silver package.
It is... Ooh.
It's the shape of a sort of a large mince pie.
It's got a circular top and a kind of bowl-like bottom, just like me.
And it's got a little smiley-faced sticker on the bottom.
That's very nice.
I mean, you've gone the extra distance there.
I'm trying to cheer you up.
A present adorned.
And if I press it...
It clicks a bit like, what's the board game which had a sort of clear dome in the middle and two dice under it, and you would click it.
What the heck was that one?
Is that Boggle or... Boggins.
Boggins the board game?
Yeah, Coggle, Woggle, one of those.
Do you know the one?
I do know the one.
And you press it, it's sort of making that kind of a sound.
And it would bounce the dice around inside to randomise them.
It's a way to be able to roll dice without ever risking losing them.
That was a good way of doing it because... It doesn't rattle though.
As we've spoken about games before, sometimes the dice throwing can be...
Oh, it's a kind of novelty get your hands off.
He's reaching out.
I'm trying to touch it you need I switched the batteries around so it wouldn't go off Okay, so I need to switch the batteries around it's kind of a button like someone would have on their desk Right like an emergency giant red button I think it's an executive toys an executive toy in the shape of such a button and it's got the word easy written on the button ah You see so I press it and it goes oh
Is that all it does?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was easy.
Does it have anything else programmed into it?
Wait, it's probably saying something different now.
That was easy.
No, it's probably the next one.
That was easy.
You get the idea.
What do you think it's for?
Well, I suppose when I've done something and I did it easy, I go...
It's half British and half American.
It starts out sounding American then goes British at the end.
That was easy.
Easy?
That was easy.
It's British.
That was, that was easy.
That was easy.
It's like Ray Winston in Fool's Gold.
Yeah, and every... That was easy.
And every film where he plays an American.
Well, thanks a lot, man.
That's good, isn't it?
I told you it was the worst one.
Yeah.
No, it's not.
It's good.
I mean... What will I use that for?
Maybe if I've had a casual affair with someone in the office.
After we finish our business.
do you think well I was thinking like if you ever wrote a script in like a day or something yes you know and that could be your little celebration there in misery when James Kahn finishes his book he has one cigarette and a glass of champagne when you finish your scripts Joe you can press that easy button and think of me it's a complacent attitude though isn't it really Wow
How often do you say that about anything in life?
My mindset is such that the complacency that this button implies would make me worried that it would come back and bite me on the bottom.
Do you know what I mean?
As soon as you press this, you're sort of inviting not-so-easy consequences.
Well, exactly.
It's overconfident.
It is overconfident.
But it's a brilliant present.
Thank you very much indeed.
That's exciting.
And you stand by for one of your presents in the next half hour.
Adam and Jo
my nipples.
Like, maybe I was tired or something, but when I saw it, it made me chuckle.
Why would it make me chuckle?
I don't know.
Well, you could stick it somewhere inappropriate.
Well, it's a nice object, though, don't you think?
It's a nice big red button.
It's nice to push a big red button.
Isn't it just?
Don't you think, like, maybe... That's the kind of thing I was thinking that someone might give to Barack Obama or someone like that.
Someone with a finger on a nuclear button.
It would be a fun gift to give them.
Or do you think it would be frowned upon?
Well, I think it would evoke nuclear catastrophe kind of thoughts, wouldn't it?
If journalists found out that Barack Obama had a big red button that said, that was easy, every time he pressed it, right next to the nuclear button, that would go down badly with the voters, wouldn't it?
It's confused my head, the button.
Don't worry, throw it away.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm not going to throw it away.
I'd give it to charity.
Give it to some homeless guy.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
That might not be the right kind of message to send.
Well, things aren't particularly easy for people like that.
I know.
That's the point.
So listen.
Yeah.
This year's been a big year for me, Adam.
Yes.
Because this is the year I've begun to be a professional cyclist.
That's right.
As you know, in about, well, in early summer I started cycling.
Three and a half miles into work, three and a half miles out.
Yeah.
Seven miles a day.
It's been very exciting, but it's introduced me to various new dangers and terrors.
Mmm.
The terror of pedestrians.
Right.
What's a good short word to describe a pedestrian?
Peds.
Peds, yeah.
That's what we call them, yeah.
Is it?
Peds?
Yeah, peds.
That worries me, the way they just step out into the road without looking behind them.
Yeah, it happens.
Couriers, they frighten me in vans.
Koreans?
Couriers.
Oh.
Delivery couriers.
Yeah.
They're terrifying.
Courier vans are terrifying.
And this year I've gotten angrier than ever before whilst driving.
Right.
And I've started sort of shouting at cars.
Oh really?
And tut-tutting, yeah.
Because I remember you talking before about the bad behaviour of cyclists and how annoying you found it.
Well I've switcherood all the way round.
Switcherood.
Do you get angry with other vehicles when you're on the road?
No I don't actually, I'm past all that.
I've been cycling for nearly 20 years now.
Really?
And I think that the best thing to do is go safely, try not to annoy anybody.
What if someone annoys you though?
I don't generally get too crazy about it.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on my bike, that was a deliberate act of outrageousness from a passerby, was some drunk guy one evening pushed me.
Like he pushed me while I was at the lights.
He wanted me to topple off the bike.
and then one time some yobs leaned out of a car when I was in Edinburgh and they were driving past and they pushed me and they pushed me into the traffic and I chased them for about three miles and took photographs of their number plate.
Oh, I think I remember that story.
Yeah, yeah.
But that's the worst thing that's ever happened.
Generally, you know, if you're careful and you keep yourself to yourself, things are okay.
I say that now, but...
What if someone drives past you on your bike and leaves a clearance of about two centimetres between your handlebar and the side of their car?
Well... At high speed.
At high speed.
Yeah.
You've got to get used to it, boy.
Do you think?
You've got to take it in your stride, yeah, because it happens a lot.
What if you shout a swear word at them as they drive past?
Yeah, that's standard practice.
Quite loudly.
Sure.
What if their window is down and they heard?
What if they stop?
What if they get out of the car and come at you?
Now you'd think you'd be on the safer ground because you're on a bicycle.
You don't have to just stick to the road, you can go on the pavement, you can take a shortcut down an alley.
You could get away, couldn't you?
Would you ever do that?
Do you ever fantasise about a chase between an irate motorist and you on your bike?
And whether it would end in a fight, who would win?
Whether the bike would win?
Bike versus car is what I'm saying.
In a city-based showdown.
This is what I'm proposing.
In all major cities in Britain, there's currently conflict between cycling and vehicles.
Because the government are trying to push you onto your bicycle, but they're not rearranging the roads so that it's safe.
Sometimes when I cycle to work, at particular junctions, there are big groups of policemen hiding round the corner.
Seriously, at Kennington Cross, waiting for cyclists to shoot the lights.
And then they pounce and find people.
For goodness sake.
It's ridiculous.
But those are the dangers that lie in store for a cyclist.
So I think this problem should be settled
by a massive war between cyclists and car drivers.
There already is one.
Yeah, but it would be organised and have rules.
You clear the whole centre of the city, all car drivers who dislike cyclists get in their cars, all cyclists who dislike car drivers get on their bikes, and it's a fight to the death.
Oh, really?
These are the rules.
Bikes can go anywhere, and cars can go anywhere.
On pavements, upstairs, wherever you can fit, or your engine is capable of going, you can go.
Who would win?
uh i think the car drivers would win what if all the bicycles converged on the top of a multi-story car park and blockaded the entrance i think the bikes would win yeah because there are more places that cars can't get than bikes can't get sure so i'm not suggesting we have these wars but i think everyone should think about it and realize that bicycles would win and you know car drivers should realize that they're actually on slightly shaky ground right and be more subservient to bicycles
So did this happen to you, like, some guy get out of his car and come at you?
No, only in my head.
It'll happen to you sooner or later?
Will it?
Has it happened to you, a guy get out of his car and come at you?
Well, you know, I went for the guy, personally.
I went over, I tapped on his window, I made him wind it down, and in fact, he wouldn't wind it down, so I opened his door, the passenger door.
I looked back at it as an act of, what about folly?
Bikes versus cars versus pedestrians.
Right.
Who would win?
What about bikes versus cars versus aliens?
Well, that's unrealistic.
Versus monsters.
That's unrealistic, isn't it?
But it's more fun.
Whereas bikes versus cars versus pedestrians is realistic, it could happen.
Yeah.
Tomorrow, who would win?
Aliens!
Aliens!
Adam!
Adam!
Adam!
Adam!
Adam and Jo!
This is Adam and Jo here on a Boxing Day morning on BBC 6 Music.
Wonderful to have you along listeners.
And your present-giving ceremonies may have concluded, but ours have only just begun.
Sometimes you get presents on Boxing Day because Auntie Nubbins and Uncle Fiddles come round.
Auntie Nubbins is welcome, but Uncle Fiddles has been banned from ours.
Well, he's just out, isn't he?
He's just come out, so you've got to ease him back into society.
Come out of the closet?
No, prison.
Oh, OK.
Because he fiddled his taxes!
Come out of the prison closet.
Our family come and join us in the countryside after Christmas, right?
Because we do Christmas Christmas with my in-laws.
So you send your kids away for Christmas?
No, no, no.
Like my family, mum and dad family.
Extended family, yeah.
So we have Christmas with my in-laws and then the Buxton family descend a few days after Christmas So actually we're gonna be having our present-giving ceremony I've put myself to sleep!
I've put myself to sleep!
Sorry listeners, I'm a little bit... Listen, I was gonna give you a present but I'm not anymore because you're the most boring man in the world!
And then my parents...
Listen, Noel, I've changed my mind.
You're a great guy.
And here's the prezzy.
Here it is.
Adam and I are giving each other prezzies because it's a special Christmas time treat.
You've gone for the newspaper wrapping.
Yeah, I've gone for the mirror.
It's your favourite tabloid.
Love it.
Slightly left-leaning tabloid.
Sport pages.
Yeah, the sport, your favourite thing.
My favourite page, mate.
Now, can you guess what it is?
You'll just go...
Buckles is just going straight for the unwrapping.
He's not doing any of the fun accompanying activities.
What do you think it is?
Describe it, the shape and the size to the listener.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're looking at just under A4 size here.
A5 probably.
A5, and it feels like some kind of pamphlet or slim book, stroke magazine.
Are you already thinking it's a bit rubbish because of its lack of weight and heft?
Not necessarily.
They're Italian.
Is it Gino Di Campo?
Does he have something to do with it?
Look at the Hannah Montana stickers.
I can't believe it.
Okay, I'm going to pull out the book now from the sports page and it is...
It's a comic.
It's a comic called Female Force.
And on the front is Oprah Winfrey.
And the comic is called Oprah Winfrey.
It's a comic book biography of Oprah Winfrey.
Is it really?
And it's designed to motivate women to achieve things that she's achieved.
No, it's not.
It's not ironical.
Well, it's Female Force.
Of course it's not ironical.
female force yeah it's inspiring it's it's her life story beautifully illustrated in comic book form well um i bought it in america opera has been rendered in comic form on the front of uh the the book and she looks a little bit like our beyonce there
You know, she doesn't look exactly as Oprah does in real life, wouldn't you say?
I think they've captured her oprocity pretty clearly.
And it's a stirring book, and I don't think you should take the mickey out of it.
I think you should try and learn from it.
Sure I will.
Page one.
First panel.
Easter Sunday, 1957.
Two ladies in church with fancy hats.
One of them says, she sure is someone special.
The other lady says, Hattie Mae, that child is gifted.
And then in the background is a little girl with pigtails.
And her cheeky face is that of the young orpah.
And she says, Jesus rose on Easter day.
Halleloo, halleloo, all the angels did proclaim.
And then someone says, out of the panel, we can't see who is saying it,
three-year-old, and she's already reading.
Writing too, girl.
That child is going somewhere.
She was gifted from the very beginning.
Even when she was a tiny child attending church, it was clear she was gifted and going to go on to great things.
And it's quite a topical gift, because of course Oprah's recently announced that she's stopping her program after two years, which will be the end of a historical era in American broadcasting.
Wow.
Most powerful, richest woman in the world.
And then there are... Is she the richest, most powerful woman in the world?
No.
She is, yeah, yeah.
She's one of them.
She is.
Yeah, she is.
Yeah, she is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the way to answer a question on Boxing Day.
And then they've got illustrated panels like these.
They've illustrated in cartoon form.
classic moments from Orpah's life, right?
There's one picture here of the transgender lady who was pregnant, even though she had turned herself into a man.
She's got a little scraggly beard.
There's a picture of Orpah admiring a plus-sized woman.
Great moments from her show.
Revealing her beautiful body.
That was easy.
Do you think if we made one of these easy-style buttons with Boggins noises on it?
Do you think that would be the most irritating executive toy ever designed?
Yeah, that would be like do you remember the annoying thing the frog?
What was it called the crazy frog?
Yeah crazy frog it would be like that wouldn't it Joe?
I can't tell you how pleased I am pretty good isn't it with the Oprah Winfrey story in comic book form and forthcoming in the same series female forces a comic book biography of Stephanie Meyer the author of the Twilight novels So no powerful woman
can avoid the comic book treatment.
That was a tortured sentence.
Presumably they're going to do one on fern cotton at some stage.
Well, I would imagine they started with that.
That's what inspired it.
Nice drawing, isn't it?
Very high quality artwork in the female force comics.
I think that'll teach you some valuable things there, Adam.
Yeah, thanks a lot, man.
I'm already feeling a little bit inspired and a little bit turned on.
Maybe you should take over from Oprah.
Have your own daytime talk show.
If Santa was really chocolate, how long do you think he'd survive?
Uh, he'd be fine, because he's generally in cold conditions that would preserve his body.
What if he's coming down a chimney?
Eh?
What if he's coming down a chimney?
Well, the chim- the- Think of your crinkle basics.
Your fundamental festive basics.
Your building blocks.
Your funny dementals.
Mmm.
He's gonna melt, isn't he, when he gets to the bottom?
He is gonna melt, if someone hasn't put the fire- But how does he deal with that situation anyway, when he's coming down the chimney?
He's got fireproof panties.
Does he?
Of course.
Well, why wouldn't they protect the, uh, chocolate?
They would.
Speaking of which, do you want a matchmaker?
I'd love a matchmaker.
Matchmakers, if you are living in a foreign country that doesn't have matchmakers, they're like matches but made of choccy.
And they have sort of crystalline bits of sweetie goodness, so they're orange-flavoured or minty-flavoured.
This is cool mint.
And the trick with matchmakers is to take six or seven at once in a bunch, like a bunch of twigs, and just eat them all at once.
Wow, you really did that.
This is a matchmaker's in heaven.
Yeah.
What kind of... are you getting a stocking?
Did you get a stocking yesterday?
I don't know.
I can't remember.
It's not a tradition, though.
No, stockings aren't a tradition in our house.
My wife loves stockings.
I think we have a very different Christmas in our house to yours.
We have a very minimal, kind of, you know, stripped-down, non-material Christmas.
I'm not... It sounds as if I'm poo-pooing your Christmas.
It sounds as if you're stripping down.
But I know that you're worshipping Satan.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where is that?
So you're stripping down and worshipping Satan.
I mean, that's partly different from... It's not so different from our Christmas.
Would you spend Christmas in the nude?
Yeah.
Do you think?
I mean, it's a time when you're only around family.
It's a fun thing.
There's nothing no one's seen before.
Exactly.
There's nothing anybody hasn't seen before.
That's right.
Hey, the fire's died down.
Sort it.
Just a little bit of blowing on the embers down there.
There we go, look at that.
Mate, that's not the fire you're blowing on, mate.
Oh.
That's my face.
Well, something else is caught fire.
The feelings.
Hey, listen, how do you feel?
How's that rosé, sparkling rosé going down?
It's really delicious.
It's better than the other stuff, though, isn't it?
Yeah, I've got a very low alcohol tolerance level, and frankly, I'm on planet booze.
You know, when I was coming here to the studio on the train today,
there were some women on the train with tins of lager and I love a woman with a tin of lager because you know everyone loves groups of men drinking tins of lager right that's a great thing to see it's a fun it's a fun atmosphere
You always know you're going to get some quality conversation.
Yeah.
Fun times.
Especially on a train.
Like, you know, they've each got about four or five tins of margaritas.
Oh, lined up for the journey.
And it makes me think, hey, I wish I could sit... They're going to have a good time, hence everyone around them will have a good time.
Right next to those guys.
Exactly.
Sometimes what I do is... Fun is infectious.
If there's four guys sat around a table there, what I'll ask them to do is maybe one of them, hey, could you...
would you mind moving over a seat just so I could sit with the rest of the guys there?
Sit with you guys, yeah.
Is there any way that I could have one of those tins?
Because I would like to join in with the group.
A tinny.
And I've had many good times that way.
But if there's one thing I love more than that scenario, it's to see a group of quite rough looking women drinking some tins of lager on the train.
Because that to me is the height of womanosity.
We were talking about Oprah earlier on.
You got me a lovely Oprah comic to inspire people everywhere.
But it's an inspiring sight to see a woman really drunk, don't you find?
Well, I think it would be unfair to make that distinction gender-based.
Right.
You know, why shouldn't a woman be drunk as drunk as a man?
This is what I'm saying.
No, I'm so glad that it's one of the things that women have finally sorted out.
Hey, you know, men get to carouse in large groups and behave badly and drink lager out of tints.
Have you not seen Ibiza uncovered, though?
This has been going on for years.
Yeah.
Women have really seized the baton when it comes to getting very drunk.
Sure.
That's what I'm saying.
I think that's true historically, though.
Is it?
Yeah.
Women love a drink.
So do men.
I don't think there's a useful gender distinction to be made.
In fact, I think it could come across as sexist and reductive.
That's what I'm hoping.
And that's not very Christmassy.
Santa hates those things.
I was thinking sexy and reductive.
Ah, that's very different.
That's a Spinal Tap joke, though, isn't it?
That's forever associated with Spinal Tap, to say something is sexy rather than sexist.
What's wrong with being sexy?
What's wrong with being sexy?
Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music on Boxing Day.
This is a pre-recorded show, so please, no texts or emails.
It'll be a total waste of your time.
It'd be wrong for a DJ to eat during his co-presenter's link on any other day apart on Boxing Day.
Man, you've gone for the Yule log there.
What is a Yule log?
What is a real Yule Log?
What is a real Yule Log?
A real Yule Log is, you've got a log, a wooden log.
That much I deduced.
And you have decorated it in a Christmas style.
Why would you do that?
Because it's Christmas!
Decorating logs?
Yeah, yeah, you decorate the log and you put it in the hearth there.
Oh, and then do you light it on Christmas Day?
Sure you do.
You set a fire to the things you've decorated it with?
Yeah, you remove any of the plastic decorations.
Sounds like a load of BS to me.
Well, you just carry on eating your chocolate log and don't worry about it.
Alright?
Just carry on worshipping Satan and the nude.
I don't worship Satan, but I do spend Christmas nude.
Anyway, there's nothing evil about being nude.
No, I didn't say there wasn't!
There might be something evil about you being nude.
Well listen, you're giving me a hard time for everything I'm saying.
I tried to do a sort of ironical, cockeyed look at women drinking lager on trains.
That gets thrown out as being sexist and reductive.
And now I'm being poo-pooed for not being nude on Christmas Day and worshipping Satan.
Just unwrap your present!
I don't worship Satan.
I just admire him.
I don't, I don't, I don't.
He's terrible.
He's awful.
Well, thank you very much.
There's a lovely gift Adam's just given me.
I don't think he exists, you know.
Well, he's an idea, isn't he?
He's an idea.
You don't want to go with him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, this is a wonderful present, and I should describe it for the listeners.
It's definitely a book.
I can 100% say that it's a book.
I haven't unwrapped it yet.
I'm trying to describe it through the wrapping.
Yeah, it's definitely a book.
It's a hardback book.
And it's quite thick, so it's probably maybe something by Alain de Buton.
Similar, very similar.
Perhaps.
Maybe it's something by Malcolm Gladwell.
You like his nonsense publications.
Come on, he's brilliant.
Yeah, pop psychology.
I'm going to open it.
This is what I like to do, listeners.
I like to open the present with my eyes closed, right?
I don't know why I find this so satisfying.
I like to hold it up in front of my face, but my eyes are still closed.
Have you got no idea at all what it is?
I've got no idea what it is, but I'm actually rubbing it against my face.
How does it smell?
Smells like a rubbish autobiography well from one of those shops Half right it is by no means rubbish.
It should smell of success because it is it's Anton decks Biography ooh, what a lovely pair we were talking about this only a few weeks ago, right?
And this is a book that the public have been waiting for for years.
They've been clamouring for Ant and Dec to set down their story on historical record, in historical record.
Looking at the spine, it has two segments of photos.
Looking at those photos, they are full colour.
Brilliant.
I love photos in a book.
Inscription in the front?
There is an inscription in the front from Adam Buxton.
Dear Joe, I have been and always will be the PJ to your Duncan.
Love, Adam.
A kiss.
Christmas 2009.
That looks a bit like a four.
That's good stuff.
That's very kind of you.
And was this full price or has it come down in price?
That was reduced by seven pounds.
Was it reduced?
Was it from a shop which might perhaps stock returns?
Or was it a shop that has newly... I'm just wondering.
Give us it.
This is a great book.
I haven't actually read it myself, but I leafed through it And I've read a couple of reviews and I can tell you that you are going to enjoy reading this and you better read it properly as well Don't just sort of flick over it in some kind of sarcastic way.
Are you allowed to issue threats with Christmas presents?
Yeah boy definitely.
Is that in the spirit of Christmas?
Here we go There's a little good sample passage to read and the you know the reason I bought you this book is
Joe is to remind you what we could have been.
Right?
If we had played our cards right.
This could have been Adam and Joe.
Ooh, what a lovely pair.
This is the paragraph you want me to pay attention to, the emboldened one?
Yeah, it's something that you and I have gone through ourselves.
It marked our first exposure as Ant and Dec.
We went for Ant and Deck in that order, because it was PJ and Duncan.
PJ was Ant, and, well, you get the rest.
I've been asked about this, but I never argued for it to be Deck and Ant.
I never even really thought about it.
It's not really a big deal.
Honestly, I'm fine with it.
I really am.
It's not like I still lie awake at night thinking about it, or it secretly bothered me for years or anything like that.
Is that supposed to be ironic?
I don't know.
I can't tell if he's joking or not.
Like, has it ever bothered you that you, that it's Adam and Joe?
Uh, it might have bothered me a little bit for the first couple of years of our relationship.
No, really?
Well, only, only like every little thing.
It was only that because it's scanned, the Adam and Joe show.
Of course, I know, I know, I know.
But you know, it's just one of those, if I'm feeling...
back in 15 years ago, whenever it was, if I was feeling disenfranchised in some way, it would be grist to my mental mill.
Do you know what I mean?
Well, it's weird because people do read stuff into it.
We get the occasional email from someone saying, dear Joe and Adam, there, I flipped the order.
It never crossed my mind that it meant anything.
It's not like a billing thing.
No, it's Scandwell, isn't it?
But obviously it's a really serious problem for Ant or Dec.
Anyway, there you go.
I hope you read the whole book properly.
That's a terrific, terrific present.
I paid a lot of money for that.
Did you know that's really kind?
That's your most ex-present.
I can't even speak anymore.
Let's play some more music.
Nice little bit of Booker T and EMGs bubbling away in the background.
And we've got a fire here.
This is Adam and Joe.
We're in our special Christmas hut for this special Boxing Day show.
And it's lovely and warm inside.
It's cold outside.
We're pre-recording this in our hut, incidentally, so please don't email or text us because unfortunately we won't be able to read your messages.
But we still value your company and we're very grateful that you're listening.
We've been exchanging gifts as well.
Joe has given me a wonderful comic about the life of Oprah Winfrey.
A female force comic, it's very inspiring.
Adam has given me a novelty desktop sort of executive toy, which is a big red button marked easy.
When you press it, someone says, that was easy.
Go on, press it, press it.
I can't press it.
Please press it.
I think anyone who's listened since the beginning of the show will be annoyed with it.
But what about people who've just... That was easy.
Yes.
There we go.
People who've just tuned in, it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What was that?
What was that?
This is a good show.
He's also given me Anton Deck's autobiography, Ooh, What a Lovely Pair, which refers to them as a pair, a pair of performers, Anton Deck, and also either their testicles or maybe a woman's breasts.
I don't think it refers to...
testicles very often does it well a pair it could be who says oh what a lovely pair about someone's well because they're men it wouldn't necessarily refer to breasts because they don't have breasts no one talks about i'm just making it accessible for women as well well have you not seen new moon
No, I haven't.
Well, there's a new sexism going on.
Is there?
A new level of objectification of men.
Oh, of men.
Yeah, and in the film New Moon, the male characters reveal their chests in a similar way to a woman would have revealed her chest maybe in the 40s or 50s.
A similar way to a woman would have revealed her chest.
Yeah, a wooden woman.
Would you like some more champagne?
I think I've had too much.
Do you get my point?
Yes, I do.
Do the women in the film swoon when they see the man nipples and stuff?
Well, the women in the audience certainly swoon.
Do they?
Yeah, they gasp and cheer like they're about to take that concert.
Because they're so chiselled, all the pectorals.
They're different types of male breasts.
Robert Patterson, who plays the male vampire, has flat, pale man breasts.
Taylor Lautner,
who was the boy in Sharkboy and Lavagirl has now grown into a young man and he has gym ones.
He's got what?
Gym ones, he's been at the gym.
Oh I see, gym ones.
He's got big kind of pecs.
Not like Jimmy Nail ones.
No, that's for the third film.
That's the kind of ones I've got.
You might be.
Are there any that are just like mine?
Robert Pattinson is a vampire and Taylor Lautner is a werewolf.
So werewolves when their men have sort of gym chests.
Vampires when their men have flat chests.
You've got a Jimmy Nail chest, so what creature would you morph into?
Boggins.
Does he exist in the Twilight Saga?
He exists in every fictional universe.
All day they sit, just talking away.
Sometimes I listen and hear what they say.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, waffles.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, pancakes.
They're making a podcast apparently.
It sounds like a load of old crap to me.
Oh, I am making the joke.
Listen, have you ever had a job where you have done something naughty, you've sort of sabotaged the thing that you were making in your job?
I once worked on a wine production line when I was a teenager and I was responsible for putting the foil caps on the tops of the bottles.
So I would sit next to this production line and hundreds and hundreds of closely packed bottles would come past me in a row
And with a simple gesture with my right hand, I would pop these foil caps on bottle after bottle for eight hours a day with one hour off for lunch.
Yeah, the gesture of Onan.
Yeah.
I got bored of this very repetitive task.
So I would chew gum, a French brand of gum, because I was doing this job in Bordeaux as a holiday job.
Yeah.
Hollywood gum.
Do you remember?
Hollywood!
It's the French brand of chewing gum.
Taste it when it goes in the mouth, but taste wears off after.
Very quickly, yes.
So I would pop the chewing gum between the cork and the foil lid.
What?
To give the person who opened the bottle a little bit of fun when they tried to put the corkscrew in.
A little Hollywood surprise.
Yeah.
Do you think that's a good thing to do?
That is a weird thing to do and the thing is that that would basically be there for years and years right if it's a nice bottle of wine.
Here's another story because I think a lot of people do this kind of thing when you're doing kind of repetitive labour you've got to think of something to liven up your day.
I heard that Prince Charles's tailors would write
Anarchic wording, anarchic slogans inside the lining of his jacket.
Whoa.
And it's become a kind of tradition.
Yeah.
Because they know that Prince Charles will never look inside the lining of the jacket.
He will always send it off to get mended.
But it gives them great satisfaction that there are anarchic anti-monarchy slogans.
Anti-monarchy.
You don't know that.
For sure, though.
This is a speculative, spurious, third-hand story.
Right, right, right.
OK?
About James Taylor and Roger Taylor.
No, it's not.
I don't know that it's true.
That's unbelievable.
Here's another one I heard.
But I'm still reeling from that bombshell.
Wait.
A friend of mine was reading Hugh Hudson's autobiography.
He directed Chariots of Fire and Greystoke, The Legend of Tarzan.
Then he had a problem with a film called Revolution, and they had to stop him directing.
He went to director jail.
Yeah, well he came out again.
He's made several films recently.
But when he was working in an egg factory, he used to write obscene words inside the lid of the egg box.
Yeah.
Was it the Egg Box 360?
It was the Egg Box 360, yeah.
The Elite as well.
Wow.
It's the best kind of egg box you can get.
Have you ever done that kind of thing?
What was he writing them in there with?
A pen.
A pen.
Good question, though.
Seems like a lot of effort to go to.
He had a little obscenity pen.
A pen?
Yeah, but I'm just wondering, how has he got the time?
Well, he was bored.
He was putting eggs into egg boxes.
That's kind of the point.
Is he not on a production line, though?
Yeah.
I want to know the facts about how all this was achieved.
Well, this, again, is a secondhand story, but that's what I heard.
But I think that's quite a common thing to do if you have to do a repetitive, boring job.
You find ways to perk it up a little.
Sure, you stamp a bit of individuality on the whole exercise.
We're not saying this is a good thing to do or the right thing to do.
Come on, how can it hurt?
But it's fun.
Here's the thing.
What if Prince Charles one day snags his jacket on a branch?
Rips it.
Or a deer.
Someone's written Prince Charles is a fool.
Exactly.
On the inside of the lining.
Or Prince Ponce, exclamation mark.
Or the Royal Family are an anachronism.
in big letters though.
He would be hopping bananas.
With a drawing of a bottom.
With a drawing of a little hairy bum.
The drawing of a man's bottom.
Exactly.
With the drawing of a, um, kilt being raised up.
Oh, that's too much, man.
And a little hairy bum.
I don't think that kind of thing can be broadcast, is it?
Sorry, that's a bit much for Boxing Day.
On the big British castle.
Sure it is.
He would be absolutely insane with anger, and he would track down Roger Taylor and James Taylor and all the other Taylors, and he would say, WHICH ONE OF YOU CHAPS DONE THAT ON MY INSIDE JACKET?
That'd be trouble, wouldn't it?
Heads would roll.
He's got a very distinctive voice.
I don't know why I went for Brian Blessed to impersonate him.
It's more like this.
Exactly.
Now, was it Roger Taylor or James Taylor that did the writing inside my jacket there?
Have you ever done anything like that, though, Count Buckley?
Your impression was better.
I can't think.
I mean, I used to work in a restaurant.
So there wasn't so much scope for actually, you know, these weren't products that were going elsewhere.
They were instantly consumed.
And there's all kind of terrible ways of getting revenge on customers that people in restaurants do.
That's a different story.
Spitting and bogeys and all sorts of terrible things.
There you go, now you can hear the fire.
It's nice and toasty.
We're nice and close to the fire, listeners.
There's nothing like a real fire, is there?
No, and this is nothing like a real fire.
Do you know what I love to do?
I love to go to sleep in front of a fire.
Do you?
That's dangerous.
You've got to put the guard in front first and stay at a safe distance.
But there's nothing like turning out all the lights and just having the flickering fire.
And what the fire actually does is it drains the oxygen from the air immediately around you, so it actually puts you to sleep.
Does it?
Which you're right, is dangerous probably, but under controlled safe conditions with another fully awake fire safety officer in the room.
Yeah, it's fine.
Have you ever fallen asleep in front of the fire in the nude-os with your beautiful lady partner and a sheepskin draped over you like James Bond?
Yeah, but I usually have the sheepskin draped over my face and the rest of my nude body is exposed.
Yeah, some... have I?
I'm not sure that I have actually.
All those romantic things are totally impractical in real life.
Why?
Because all the fur gets up your schisms?
because you'd be in the front of the fire, after a while all your extremities would get too hot and your eggs would get scrambled.
You'd have to back off.
It's ludicrous.
It's like people having special baths and lighting candles and stuff.
Do you remember that guy that wrote in and said that he had a film show in his bath with his girlfriend?
Sat there and he watched show or whatever it was for however many hours in the bath.
just seemed insane listen get another present it's present time listeners because it's boxing day and adam and i didn't see each other on christmas day we're doing our present giving today adam's already given me anton deck's biography oh what a lovely pair actually bought that with my own money 13 pounds it cost him reduced reduced from 20 pounds to 30 i don't know
I don't even have a receipt that I can give him.
He's bought me an executive toy.
I've given him a comic book autobi... What?
A comic book biography of Oprah Winfrey.
Thanks, Oprah.
Oprah or Oprah?
Oprah.
Oprah Winfrey.
Female Force series.
Very good.
Now I've got two more presents left for you, Adam.
One of them is like quite a serious present.
And the other one is a more flippant present.
Is it Tony Blair?
Which one would you like?
I would like the serious one.
OK.
And I think you've probably got this already.
So this is interesting, listeners.
Is it a baby son?
No, it's a book.
And I would imagine you've already got this.
uh it would be very good if you didn't but now we can see whether count buckley's can lie successfully about being given something i can't he's already got now my lady partner's birthday was recent and a good friend of hers gave her a dvd which i clearly knew we already had and he said oh i i really hope you don't have this uh
here it is it's wonderful and she opened it we did have it she knew we had it but she lied she said no and I couldn't I was on the tip of my tongue going of course we've got this in fact I think I'd even talked about it to the friend who was giving it but I said nothing I said nothing you know it seemed to me like a sort of a shallow charade that was being played out it's tricky though in this situation right now because we're on the radio I will tell you the truth if I have it I'll tell you
But actually, if it's a real situation, someone's gone out and bought something for you, they're excited about giving it to you.
They've spent their own money on it.
Well, that's this situation.
I'm excited about it.
I really hope you haven't got it.
And I would be so much happier if you didn't have it.
And you went, oh, I didn't even know this had been published.
It's like it's been written for me.
Because it's like this book has been written for you, seriously.
OK.
It's a book about something you love doing.
This is going to be quite insulting, isn't it?
By somebody you love.
Right.
Do you know what it is?
Can you guess what it is?
A book about something you do a lot.
Is it men in their sheds or something?
No, by somebody you love.
Anyway, there we go.
Is it a book by Giles Brandreth about self-pleasuring?
No.
It was published in Britain in the summer.
Oh, wow.
This is The Bicycle Diaries by David Byrne.
Have you got that?
Ex-lead singer of Talking Heads.
I didn't even know this existed.
Oh, I popped the receipt in there.
Whoops, really, and that receipt.
Oh, wow.
So it's a book all about cycling written by David Byrne from the Talking Heads.
Co-founder of the musical group Talking Heads, David Byrne has also released several solo albums, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And this is...
Since the early 1980s, renowned musician and visual artist David Byrne has been riding a bike as his principal means of transportation in New York City.
You know what?
I put a video piece of his on my blog a while back.
With him, he'd got like a helmet cam and he was riding around New York City giving a little running commentary as he cycled to a show that he was doing.
It's one of the most wonderful bits of footage that I've seen for ages, mainly because I absolutely adore David Byrne and everything he does, so I was just...
bewitched by the sound of his voice.
But, B, you know, I love to cycle as well.
New York City, always great to see that place, right?
Hey, would you like a hot dog?
Why, New York, what are you doing, Drakey?
Get out of the way.
Oh, you want a big apple or an even bigger one?
Oh, yeah.
That kind of thing.
And I didn't know this existed.
This is a great present, man.
Is he lying, though, listeners?
Of course I'm not lying.
I don't think he isn't lying.
I know him well enough.
He's not lying.
I can't lie that well.
This is amazing.
It's a beautiful edition.
It's a hardback edition.
I bought it for you in Borders in Santa Monica.
And look, it is even, you can even, I love books like this.
It's even got a flick book picture down on the bottom.
Has it?
Yeah.
There you go, Burn.
He doesn't miss a trick with a little cycling man.
I love it.
How fantastic.
That's a proper good present, man.
Pleasure.
I feel bad now that I got you
Well, hey, I've still got one to come, right?
It could be a good one.
Don't shatter my illusions.
I bet it's gonna be really good.
Don't shatter my illusions.
I'm not worried about your illusions now.
I'm worried about the fact that, you know, you've suddenly shifted the present-giving parameters.
I've upped the ante.
Into, like, something good.
It's a game-changer.
It is a game-changer.
That is a good present.
I think if I threw this cork at our producer James's head it would like bounce off in a satisfying way.
Listeners, I've got to tell you that Joe is not a drinker normally, right?
And he's had like three little paper cups of sparkling wine.
Put your head up, Joe.
Please, it's not going to hurt.
I just want to see it bing off.
No, don't header it.
I just want to see it boing off.
We've had to go
He's just thrown the cork at Jay, it bounced off the back of the chair.
It did the same thing, it did the bounce.
I haven't seen Joe like this for a long time, since we were like 14-year-olds and we used to drink too much for fun.
But he's gone a bit further.
Is that how out of hand I get throwing a cork from a distance of three feet at a man's head?
Alright, here's another podcasting, breaking up the chat with some music.
Yeah, we got this thing off GarageBand, but it's free and now anyone can use it.
Thanks for joining us, listeners.
We hope you're having a lovely Boxing Day.
We're coming to you in a pre-recorded fashion from our little log cabin just outside the walls of the castle.
We've got a fantastic log fire going and we're both wearing our Christmas outfits.
Adam and I make Christmas extra Christmassy by wearing a special selection of clothes for the Christmas period.
Adam, what have you got on?
Talk us through your Christmas wardrobe.
Well, I've got, you can hear them there, I've got a pair of paper pants.
When you say pants, tell the listeners whether you mean underwear or trousers, because American listeners might be confused.
Sure, sure, sure.
I think the Americans would call them knickers.
Knickers.
So you've got newspaper, underpants made of newspaper.
Yeah.
Why do you wear underpants that are made of newspaper?
Is it for ease of changing them when you soil them?
Yeah, I get through a lot.
So, you know, I could use classier paper is what you're thinking obviously listeners.
Why doesn't what newspaper do you use?
Do you use a broadsheet or a tabloid?
I use that depend on what you've eaten on the previous day.
I Use I don't mind really I'll use whatever's lying around right?
I like the Guardian, right?
Yeah, that's a lovely paper to make pants out of because it's what else are you wearing?
It's nicely balanced I mean, obviously I can see what you're wearing, but I'm just thinking about this from the audience sure from the audience's point of view.
I
I... well, not that much more.
I mean, I've got some... I mean, you've made a bra out of tuppence pieces.
Yeah.
Which is just two tuppence pieces that seem to... you've drilled a little hole in each and then you've passed some shoelace through them.
That's right.
And you've just positioned them over your nipples.
Tuppence pieces.
I got them from a Christmas pudding.
Did you?
Well, there are still some little bits of Christmas pudding on them.
Oh, that's not Christmas pudding.
Oh.
What is it?
I'd rather not go into it.
I saw Boggins earlier on today.
He jumped up and started licking my face.
How about you?
What are you wearing?
Well, of course, every Christmas what I tend to wear is a Santa hat.
Sure.
So I've got my Santa hat on.
And then I've got actually my tuppence bra on as well.
Yeah, we've both got them.
But underneath
a sort of chainmail suit made out of coke can ring pulls so all year i've been collecting coke can ring pulls and i've been sort of sewing them together with little bits of thread and i've actually made a whole sort of chainmail shirt so that's really really um
Good looking, isn't it?
It's brilliant because it reminds me of the glory days of DIY fashion.
DIY fashion.
Well, it's all back in action now.
Who was the lady that used to design a lot of the stuff like that from the Face magazine?
What have I done?
She was called, um, Carol, Carol Thatcher.
And what I've actually done on my lower half is I've actually cooked and wrapped spaghetti.
And this is something you can do at home.
I've found the longest spaghetti sticks I could find in the organic spaghetti shop.
I've boiled them up.
And what I did was I wrapped them around my legs all the way up.
And then I've simply let them harden and crisp.
And what they are, they're spaghetti long johns.
And of course, it was hard to wrap them around my upper torso, because my biology gets a little more complex in terms of shapes.
Yeah.
Yeah, up there.
Sure.
I've gone for a kilt, but with a very festive tartan on it.
You know, you brought up the subject of those areas.
I call them the Netherlands.
What I like to do with my Netherlands is wrap bacon around them.
So it's like a kind of pig in a blanket.
That's dangerous at Christmas.
It's Christmassy!
Yeah, but wasn't there that time a couple of Christmases ago when your wife accidentally... Oh, she stuck a cocktail stick in it, yeah.
But at least she was interested.
That would be the most disturbing family Christmas if Dad wrapped a piece of bacon around the old chap and just stood there at the table with it next to the turkey.
One of these pig in a baskets is not like the other one.
One of these pig in a baskets should not have a cocktail stick stuck through it.
Now, Boxing Day can be a tricky time because often people are a little hungover from the day before, and you know, maybe the Christmas spirit in some households may be wearing a little bit thin, and it's often the day when hideous arguments happen.
Sure.
Wouldn't you say, children having tantrums?
Grandpa get out of hand.
Yeah, because I mean the children perhaps are expecting more presents.
They got a little bit broad bit spoiled and Well, that's what TV's for on boxing, right?
or at least that's what it was traditionally for to bring the family together on that most depressing of days and
But not anymore.
Everyone splits off into their own little universe and does whatever they're doing.
Plays their video games or watches their MP3 videos.
I'm planning to have quite a video game heavy Christmas.
Are you?
Yeah, I want to get into the new Call of Duty.
I want to maybe get into Drake's progress.
Drake, what's it called?
Uncharted.
How long are you spending on Call of Duty, for example, one session?
Like a long session?
About half an hour.
Oh, really?
That's not too bad.
Only because I've got too much other stuff to do at the moment.
But over Christmas, time will be freed up a bit.
That's the time to do, really, totally unconstructive, indulgent things like that.
And you can easily limit yourself to just the half hour.
I'm gonna kill so many digital people.
Well done.
It's gonna be a digital massacre.
Hundreds.
Yeah.
I read a video game review the other day, and the magazine had put a KPM rating on it.
Kills per minute?
Yep.
Oh, dear.
Do you think that's a good way for culture to go?
Well, I suppose if it's so divorced from reality that they feel it's okay to joke about it, but for me, Joe, I'm a professional killer.
I'm a professional mercenary.
So, to me, it's not a joke.
Really?
Because it's my job.
I go out and I hunt down... It's true, isn't it?
You're a big supporter of keeping Boggins alive, for instance.
Yeah.
So you think fictional killing is just as bad as real killing?
I do.
I don't think it's not something you should joke about.
The K-word.
Yeah, the K-word.
Yeah.
Would you like a present?
I'd love a present.
It's just the light in the atmosphere.
Adam and I are giving each other prezzies because we didn't see each other on Christmas Day.
I've already got Ant and Dec's biography.
Ooh, what a lovely pair.
Sort of punny title.
Joe gave me a cartoon about the life of Oprah Winfrey.
A cartoon?
A comic.
He also gave me a proper, seriously good present.
David Byrne's book, Bicycle Diaries.
Didn't even know it existed.
And if we're slurring our words and making more mistakes than usual listeners, it's because we've got a bottle of sparkling rosé on the go.
Because it's Boxing Day and we're a tiny little bit tipsy.
But that's okay if you're over 18.
Or 16.
Or whatever it is.
If you're under 16 stick to the alco pops No, I'm sorry That was a satirical comment.
Oh, is it that would be fine on have I got news for you the week?
Politics is absurd
I've gone to sleep.
Gordon Brown.
What was that?
I said Gordon Brown.
Gordon Brown.
It's clearly a CD, this present that Adam's given me.
It's got another little smiley face on it.
This one's green, little smiley face sticker.
Little sticker.
Oh, it's Bob Dylan's Christmas songs.
Now, to the... Yeah, I forgot to label the back.
To the untrained eye, this might seem like an actual commercially produced CD.
Because the first thing that hits the eye are the words Bob Dylan's Christmas songs.
And they've sort of got snow on the top of the letters.
Yeah, special font.
Yeah, snowy font.
But the snow is sort of translucent.
The lettering is white, and the snow is sort of see-through, which makes it look less like snow and more like something Boggins might have deposited on the lettering.
It's true, isn't it?
That bothered me as well when I was typing it out.
The image above that script is surrounded by a border of a sort of Greek square, curly-Q thing.
What do you call that?
It's like a traditional Greek border, so it's got a slightly, you know, Greek feel.
I wouldn't know what you call that.
It's just a border.
And then the image is of sort of a sad Santa.
And he's got a kind of a mutant face.
Is that your face in there?
No, that's Dylan's face in there.
It's Dylan's face.
I'm just used to you putting your face wherever you can possibly put it.
This is an album that I have made for you, Joe, of me singing in the style of Bob Dylan.
Christmas songs and it's a combination of real Christmas songs like Ding Dong Merrily on High.
Do you want to hear Bob Dylan's version of Ding Dong Merrily on High?
Yes, please.
Let's pop this CD in.
Because, of course, in case you didn't realise, listeners, Bob Dylan actually did release a Christmas CD this year and his voice is completely wonkaloid now.
We've talked about this already.
Yeah, exactly.
So here's my version of Ding Dong Merrily on High in a Bob Dylan style.
Joanna, great to see you.
Wow, how have you been?
Oh, hi, Joanna.
Wonderful to see you, too.
Ding dong, merrily on high.
The Christmas bells are ringing.
Ding dong, merrily on high.
Something, something singing.
Oh!
Joanna's got a shell suit.
Rosanna lives in Chelsea.
That's just a little clip of Ding Dong Merrily On High.
Things are really taking off for Dylan again.
Yeah.
There's a bit of a slump in his career and topicality but he's really found a way to lift it.
On the image on the front of the CD it shows a sort of disenfranchised Santa almost like a sort of homeless man or what you might call a beggar sitting on a corner.
He's in a Santa's outfit but he's got a weird collecting tin and a sign round his neck.
What does that sign say?
The sign says, Sleigh broke down.
The sleigh broke down.
The sleigh broke down.
Yeah, that's why he's collecting.
Right, to try and repair the sleigh.
Well, that's terrific.
Are there any other tracks we can have a quick listen to on here?
Yeah, sure.
There's a track that's very topical, and it's about something that many of us will be receiving this Christmas.
What number is it?
It is track one, and it is... Have a listen.
All right, what have you got for Uncle Bob?
Oh, my favorite.
Box set, DVD box set.
Box set, DVD box set.
Thank you very much for the DVD box set.
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to watch it.
Jonathan Creek, the Inbetweeners and friends.
So many episodes, the pleasure never ends.
Deadwood, Alias, Life on Mars, and House.
I love box sets, I really do.
I love to watch them, and so do you.
I plan to spend all my remaining years watching my box sets.
Yeah!
Battlestar Galactica, the writing is complex.
It's all about religion and politics and sex.
Ooh!
Box set, DVD box set.
Box set, DVD box set.
Thank you very much for the DVD box set.
Desperate Housewives.
I love 24, I watch a season in a day.
It only makes sense if you watch it that way.
Power every hour, my eyes are getting sore.
Come on Jack, torture terror is small.
What you mean you haven't seen The Wire yet?
That show's about as brilliant as the television get.
You have to watch a few before you start getting into it.
He's in such good voice, isn't he?
Actually, his voice kind of came together for that track.
You know I was going to give you as a present the Wire Season 1 DVD because I thought it would be funny and I could say have you seen this and I could rehearse the whole tedious Wire conversation but you know what went through my mind?
I thought no Adam will just go oh yeah this is brilliant I can lend it to someone else and you'd be all serious about it.
I would give it right back to you, is what I'd do.
You were to make me watch it.
I'd say, come on, sort your life out.
The other day you were pouring buckets of scorn over me for not having seen the new Guy Ritchie film.
You haven't even seen The Wire!
Talk about a gulf of cultural... I've seen some of The Wire.
What have you seen?
I've seen a bit of Series 3, quite a bit of Series 3.
Come on, dip.
It's not a dipper.
It's not a dipper.
I done the dipping.
It's delicious.
No dipping.
So there you go.
There's one more Dylan track on there.
We might play before the end of the show.
Hey, that's up to me.
It's my present.
It's not yours anymore.
Just because you composed it, I own it now.
He's drunk out of his mind.
You know what?
My paper cup that we've been drinking booze out of is disintegrating, so that the bottom is threatening just to come right off.
because the booze is soaked right the way through the base.
My bottom's threatening to come right off.
What the heck is that all about?
What kind of paper cups are these?
Big British castle paper cups.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
Happy Boxing Day listeners.
We're coming to you in a pre-recorded fashion from our little wooden shack just outside the walls of the castle and that crackling and snapping and popping you can hear is a lovely roaring log fire that we're keeping our cockles warm with.
Isn't it nice?
And we've been exchanging presents, because that's the traditional thing to do.
We didn't see each other on Christmas day, so we're doing our present exchanging today.
Adam's already given me two top-notch presents.
Ant & Dec's biog, a Bob Dylan Christmas songs album.
In fact, he's given me three, I just forgot about the really bad one.
Is that a rude thing to say?
No, that's fine.
No, it's fine.
No, it's good, it's good.
It's a button... You know what my alternative present was?
What?
Because in the end I gave you the executive toy, the button that says easy.
As opposed to... Like this.
That's what it says right yeah, terrible as opposed to I was I actually was gonna be better I bought you a fairy sticker book
No!
Why didn't you give me that?
I'm such an idiot.
I love sticking fairies.
Well, exactly.
Everyone does.
And, you know, we could have chatted about stickers and what it was like as a youngster to covet stickers.
Yes, what about those stickers that you'd collect and you had to get them all and they had an image, a sort of jigsaw image on the flip side?
These were the Star Wars stickers, weren't they?
And you could make a big picture of all the guys in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon off of the backing things.
That's right.
Oh, no, they were the cards, actually.
I'm getting confused, aren't they?
They were the collector's cards.
Some stickers are very rare, aren't they?
You know, what we used to do was send away to large companies and ask for their stickers, like we'd send away and we'd pretend that we were Formula One racing drivers and we wanted the stickers for our cars.
That's a good angle.
And obviously we were not.
Who's we when you say we?
Me and my friends aged around 10.
Right.
And so we'd do these little scrawly 10-year-old letters to whoever it was, Duckham's Oil, and say... Did you ever win?
Excuse me, please can we have some Duckham's Oil stickers for our cars?
We're Formula One racing drivers.
And very nicely, they would almost always write back and send us loads of stickers and decals and stuff for the cars.
My brother did that.
He wrote to Rolls-Royce.
Did he?
Because he wanted a silver lady off the front of a Rolls-Royce.
Whoa, he's aiming high.
Well, he didn't get the silver lady, but he did get a metal RR plate.
Whoa.
I was very jealous.
That's the thing, man.
If you're charming, if you can be bothered to write a letter and have a little charm in that letter, this is going out to all the youngsters listening to this show, you can pretty much get what you want.
All sorts of stuff, yeah.
You really can.
Be charming and make a bit of an effort with the letter.
There was a book when we were kids called Fun For Free, do you remember that?
I think it was a Puffin or Penguin book.
And it had loads of addresses of companies that you could write off to to get stickers and promotional goodies that seem like very valuable things to kids.
I'm sure a similar book exists now.
If you can be bothered to put pen to paper and be a little bit polite and you've got some manners, the world is your oyster.
But not when we're concerned.
We've got nothing to give.
We're giving out nothing.
So don't bother writing to us, because all you'll get is a slap.
That's not true.
Listen, here's my final present to Count Buckley's.
I'm handing it over right now.
Ah, now this.
Give us an assessment of the wrapped gift.
What do you think is in there?
What are we looking at here?
I initially thought it was a DVD.
It's around those dimensions.
My plan has worked.
But what is it?
Is it a DVD with crazy packaging or something, perhaps?
Or is it a DVD wrapped in a card?
I'm going to take off the packaging right now.
Now this is... I'm experimenting with certain aspects of this gift.
What the...
he has wrapped something around this there is i think a dvd inside but i'm gonna have a look at it now it is a poster should i look at the dvd first or the poster whatever you want i'm gonna look at the poster first what the heckins
It is a NME Awards 2009 Shockwaves poster featuring the Kings of Leon.
And it's number six of a limited edition set of six, which presumably you got from the NME, right?
Well, it was free in NME.
Do you think that's wrong to give away?
And that, it's a double whammy, that is covering a copy on DVD of the film Nuts, starring Barbara Streisand and Richard Dreyfuss, or Dreyfuss if you prefer.
here's the synopsis of the film nuts on the back the pending case the people of the state of New York versus Claudia Draper the issue is Claudia mentally competent to stand trial sure she's shocking outspoken explosive defiant but is she nuts
More to the point, who cares?
Did you say that or is that on the back?
No, it's not on the back.
It's a great film, Nuts.
Who's it directed by?
Who is directing this?
Of course, Nuts has a different, it doesn't really have the same connotation in America than it does in Britain.
No, this is Nuts Isn't Crazy.
It's directed by... I don't know, who is it directed by?
It's someone quite... Big League, isn't it?
Martin... Martin Ritz.
No, he must have done something.
Have you seen Nuts?
I don't think I've ever seen Nuts.
Of course you haven't seen Nuts.
But that's a good caster, isn't it?
Dreyfuss and Streisand.
Surely it's good.
Look at Streisand on the front there.
She's nuts.
Absolutely nuts.
He's a weird actor, isn't he, Richard Dreyfuss?
He can really turn his hand to some quite bizarre substandard material when he... Kippendorf's Tribe, Mr. Holland's Opus.
You know, Mr. Holland's Opus is one of Andrew Collins' favourite films.
It isn't.
Yeah, he's written some very moving essays about how much he loves that film.
He's insane.
But everyone has a film like that, you know, which is hard to... Yeah, mine's Kippendorf's Tribe.
Is it?
I like the scene where the family gather round with a block of wood and an axe and circumcise the son.
That's a good Christmas movie it sounds like.
I've got a soft spot for Holland's Opus.
I agree with Andrew Collins.
Do you?
I like the bit where his son gives him a sign language version of Imagined by John Lennon.
Really?
Maybe I'm poo-pooing it unnecessarily.
Maybe it's a masterpiece.
I did see it at the cinema.
I mean, it's... It's very handsomely made, I seem to remember.
Sure, sure.
It's one of those films, though, a little bit like... What am I thinking of?
Totally over-sentimental Gushfest.
Usually they have Robin Williams in them, you know?
It's not as bad as Patch Adams.
Right.
But it's... Bicentennial Man, is it as good as that?
That's an interesting one, isn't it?
Bicentennial Man.
Is it as good as Sim 1?
Are you happy with that present though?
Man, that's a double!
That's Barbara Streisand's Nuts on DVD.
Plus, is that fair enough to give away as a present something that came free with a magazine?
Yes.
Yeah?
Because it's the thought that counts.
It's really great.
Anyone who assesses their presents by pure commercial value is a cold-hearted, Scrooge-like, non-Christmas person.
Sure.
I love the Kings of Leon.
I will actually watch Nuts as well as the other thing.
What will you do with that Kings of Leon poster?
Uh, maybe offer it to my sons to put on their wall?
They're a very hip band.
Well it'd be kind of cool, because at the moment they've just got Ben 10 posts, isn't it?
Right.
So it'd be quite good to step it up to the... Kings of Leon, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Impress their friends.
Exactly.
They talk about sex being on fire.
I know, how outrageous is that?
That's racy.
That is racy.
Certainly for the under 10s.
Woohoo!
I'm gonna have another sip of my tinny, mate.
Good idea, mate.
So that's the present giving over.
It's a bit disappointing, isn't it?
Do you think...
And we never even said, the final present.
It's a bit of appropriation there that everybody does.
As soon as the word, the final anything is mentioned, the phrase, the final blah, blah, blah.
You have to sing the final pizza.
for the final... whatever it is.
There we go, listeners.
Those were the best bits of our special Boxing Day programme that came to you live from our little... Ah, it wasn't live, was it?
Pre-recorded from our little wooden shed just outside the walls of the big British castle.
And this is us saying goodbye.
We hope you had a wonderful Christmas season.
Don't forget, if you want, you can check out our 12 podcasts of Christmas.
The BBC have put up the first 12 podcasts we ever did for your reappraisal.
I remember that the very first podcast we ever did was from a show where I certainly personally felt quite off form and a little bit grumpy.
Well, we'll see what the listeners think, but there are 12 podcasts.
We're sort of halfway through them now.
Yes, those podcasts are being issued daily over the season period.
I don't like to refer to it as Christmas because that's potentially very offensive to people that don't believe in the Christ and the whole Christ legend, myth, stroke story, you know.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Hogmanay very soon.
Coming up in a second, it's Hogmanay.
It's very exciting.
It's been a year and a month since Hogmanay, but this is actually proper Hogmanay.
It's like you're drinking on Hogmanay.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Grandma.
Grandma over in the corner.
Grandma's lovely stockings over there as well.
Here, it's Christmas.
What better treat?
Then there's cousins, cousins, Wraithful, and Damien's cousins, Signicorn's mother's random cousin's.
Also, there's a whole new special, it's Grandpa Snoozy, it's Grandpa Snoozy's mother's random cousin's Grandpa Snoozy.
Those are real members of your extended family.
Grandpa Snoozy.
And Raefels as well.
Raefels and Damien.
I've got a cousin called Raefel.
Yeah.
I just thought it was time for Jules to pop back.
Of course it was, man.
Because it's coming up to the Hootenanny.
It's nearly Hootenanny time.
It's the Hootenanny.
Oh, not again.
Alright then.
I don't care if you insist.
Do you remember when we went to the Hootenanny?
I do.
Oh my god.
We were put at the back of the Hootenanny crowd.
That was the most boring day of my life.
It really was.
No disrespect to Jules or the Hootenanny.
Jules is single-handedly keeping live music alive on television.
Absolutely.
No one can say anything critical about him and he hasn't taken a drink in 52 years.
I love the man and everything about the man.
So do I. But standing in the Hootenanny audience right at the back of one of the kind of rises, oh my, it was so hot.
All we had to do was watch Van Morrison shuffle on and off every now and again and Chrissie Hynde looking grumpy.
I loved it.
I absolutely loved it.
It was one of the best days of my life.
That's what I was building up to saying.
Absolutely.
Triff, spelled T-R-I-F-F, the same way that you might say cliff.
Hey, but thanks to everybody who's listened to our show or our podcast over the last year.
We're so grateful for your support.
We couldn't have done it without all your emails and texts and stuff.
Whatever we did, that is.
I'm not saying we did anything good, but whatever we did, we couldn't have done what we did without you.
And we hope everyone's had a terrific Christmas.
Yeah, we really do.
I second that emotion and, you know, you guys are the best and you, more than anything, are what completes us.
Noggins!
Just clip-clop past the window.
It's a rare sighting.
I was trying to say something sincere and it came out wrong.
But I guess what I was trying to say was that we've had such fun here at the BBC for the last couple of years, and in 2009 particularly, and we look forward to much more of it to come.
So have a great new year.
Take care.
Thanks for listening.
Bye.
Bye.
If you enjoyed the Adam and Jo podcast, then why not try the John Richardson podcast?
Download it now.
bbc.co.uk slash six music.
♪ The face of steel ♪